Tuesday, January 30, 2007

New! Hypochondriasis induction service.

I was going to do a funny post today but then I read this in the Guardian and got spitting-mad so you'll have to put up with a rant instead.
If you are a completely healthy person and you pay an outrageous amount of money for a full body scan you are a total twat.
Why you cry? "Isn't it a good thing to know that everything is OK and there are no lurking tumours or aneurysms waiting to kill you at any moment?"

No No No No No and again NO.

To quote the article "She had experienced no symptoms whatsoever, but it could have burst at any moment: the scan's locating of it allowed a relatively easy surgical fix."

But what, as would often be the case, there is no easy surgical fix. Then you have to live your life with a death sentence, would that make you feel better or worse do you think?
The other thing is that in the average middle-aged person the liklihood of having a normal scan is small. They would find little lumps and bumps which may or may not be dangerous. You will then be forced to have annual complete body scans to check if the innocuous lumps have changed or grown, making lots of money for the scan companies which is the aim of the whole bloody exercise.
Everyone who goes in for this sort of thing is seeking reassurance but not everyone will get it so think long and hard before subjecting yourself to an unnecessary investigation.

If however you are fascinated by scans and anatomy I can recommend Mr. realdoc's favourite site in the whole world, here. Marvel at the pretty pictures. I have a feeling that this is what he sees at moments of high emotion so wonderfully described by patroclus.
PS Someone found my blog by searching google for the phrase 'lard haemorrhoid'...a world first?


Robert A. Swipe said...

...so you don't think I should get my spinal erectors checked out then doc?

(I was hoping Stray could do a BUPA fiddle for me...)


'Bert A.

Betty said...

No need for one of those all over scans for me. I'm on the other side of hypochondria. I'm so frightened of being told that I've got six months to live that I've given up visiting GP's, let alone demanding to have check ups and scans. Ignorance is bliss to us REAL hypochondriacs.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

i wish they'd quit giving scans to hypochondriac tossers and use them on people with acutal fucking back injuries. bloody NHS grumble grumble.

realdoc said...

I think you'll find this service is most definately not NHS, we've enough to do with the sick people.

Tedward's Missing Ear said...

I agree. No unnecessary scans. When overcome with hypochondriacal anxiety I just call up my sis and bore her with the details. The words "There's fuck all wrong with you" rarely fail to bring comfort and reassurance.

Spinsterella said...

YOu know, I have a vague memory of the Express running a similar article which was subsequently ripped to shreds by (I thought) the Guardian.

violetforthemoment said...

It does seem like a bit of a vain indulgence. The Guardian has had some rather thought-provoking health stories lately, did you see this one? As self-harm goes this is a new one on me.

Those pictures on mr realdoc's favourite site were quite charming I thought, the middle one on the homepage (haven't the foggiest what it is, it's a long time since a-level bio) looks like a frolicking fairy in a medieval etching. Or something.

Tim Footman said...

Is a lard haemorrhoid a haemmorrhoid made of lard? Or a haemmorrhoid you get from eating lard? Or does lard get haemmorrhoids?

herschelian said...

A friend of mine has serious tendencies to hypochondria and sees every twinge and ache as a sign of something serious (she's 62). Her sister lovingly responds to every panic-stricken phone call with the comment "Oh my god, you're going to die!......oh my god, so am I!....oh my god so is everyone we know".
Isn't there a medical term for these twats? The Worried Well.

Dave beta said...

Doctor, I am worried about my lard haemorrhoid. Can you get it scanned for me?

patroclus said...

Christ alive, Violet, that story is weird. When I was a regular self-harmer (no longer, don't do it kids, etc. etc.), I thought I would never be happy with myself unless I smashed both my wrists, but wanting to lose both legs???

It doesn't seem like self-harm, though, because with self-harm you want to hurt yourself to relieve pressure/anxiety/remorse/self-loathing etc., it doesn't really have anything to do with how you feel about your body. Different disorder altogether, seemingly. Very weird.

Mangonel said...

What Patroclus said. EEEEuw. And also *hugs* because the EEEEuw makes me look heartless.

I thought them scans had been comprehensively seen off by Dr Cox in Scrubs ages ago. Maybe we should find a snippet of that on Youtube and post it everywhere we can think of.

violetforthemoment said...

Yeah my comment about self-harm was a bit glib, sorry, I've done a fair bit meself and know there are a whole different set of fun issues. I can't imagine feeling like a bit of my body shouldn't be there though. Apart from breasts, of course, which are just an annoyance invented by Hugh Hefner and Marks & Spencer to subjugate women.

I love Dr Cox. I'd love to see the crossover episode where he and Dr House get trashed together, should it exist.

realdoc said...

I would go one step further and say that Drs House and Cox should be running the NHS.
I may be a doctor and all but someone who wants to cut their own legs off, well that's just weird.
vftm you might be interested that the professional organisation for plastic surgery in this country is known by the acronym BAPS so you can see their priorities right there.

TME:I can be bloody sympathetic sometimes, just not on the phone, where there's no fee involved, obviously.

Billy said...

I'd like to see a spinoff for House, featuring exclusively on "the clinic bits" and played for laughs.

Mangonel said...

Isn't it called Scrubs?

Spinsterella said...

Dr Perry Cox is my favourite man in the world.

He's so evil! And nasty. And sarcastic. But with a moral undertone.

(yes, I know he's not real. And no, I didn't fancy him in Full Metal Jacket)

violetforthemoment said...

I got the House DVD box set for xmas and have watched 8 episodes over the past two evenings. Mr Violet has started saying 'smart' instead of 'clever' so it's clearly time to watch something british instead.

The number of strange words for ladies' bosoms never ceases to amaze me. Baps? Are they floury and easily squished flat in a rucksack? I bet there were trebles all round when the plastic surgeons thought that acronym up.

rockmother said...

When I was in my early 20's I went on one of those horrendously drunken Greek holidays with friends. I got chatted up by a fair few tossers but especially one that told me to 'get me waps out'. Waps, baps, titties, fried eggs, jugs, knockers. We call them boobies in our house.

Ian said...

If you really feel the need for a self-referred CT scan check out prices in the USA. You may find you can pay the air fare from the UK, have the scan and pay for a week in a modest motel, all for the same inclusive price as a scan in the UK.