Menke's Kinky Hair

Goodbye Mr Postgate

2008-12-11T11:57:00.003Z

The first voice I remember other than my parents. Noggin the Nog (when it was on Blue Peter) was on the TV when my baby sister was brought home from hospital, my first memory aged 4. Gentleness, sucky blankets, coal fires and dippy eggs.

A real gent and a very British genius.

Slow ginger death

2008-11-27T13:00:00.005Z

I hope the rest of you are enjoying The Devil's Whore , and not simply because of John Simm's scar, which I find curiously mesmerising, but also the amazing pallor of Angela Riseborough takes me back to my youth , before tanning salons, when everyone in Northern Ireland looked like this......

Redheads are being bred out of existence now with the dual Darwinist pressures of foreign holidays blistering their pasty carcasses and the fact that the UV lights in nightclubs make freckles go green, thus rendering their owners unshaggable.

My own titian tresses have not been passed on to my offspring (the first question after their birth was not 'Has she got the requisite number of limbs?' but 'She isn't ginger is she?') thanks to me making the unusual lifestyle choice of marrying a semi-Belgian. Perhaps in future gingers will be prized for their rarity value but I can't see it myself.

Also,I thought I was just a bit lazy and busy to be prolific at this blogging lark but it turns out I'm at the vanguard of an exciting new movement see here.

Full Metal Fandango

2008-11-18T17:58:00.006Z

I'm sure you all enjoyed a laugh at the discrepancy between the avatars and reality in the Second Life divorce saga. Presumably supermodels and film stars chose fat, balding, bespectacled alter egos.

Whilst we are on the topic of technology and sex, which we sort of are, Mr realdoc has developed a crush on this 'blushing young lovely' (his words....eeeeuuugghh sounds like the person who writes the blurb on page 3 of the Sun, who I met at a party once and who wasn't quite as repellant as you may think, but I digress.)

This young lady plays a Terminator on the Sarah Connor Chronicles and Mr realdoc's admiration has led us to several discussions on whether the homicidal metal mercenaries from the future possess full working parts and whether this young lady's fandango (copyright TME) in particular would be accomodating (him) or would incorporate an impressive arsenal (weapons rather than the football team -me). So any ideas?

***UPDATE*** Fandango has made the word cloud, hurrah! Although arse has now gone.....arse, arse, arse, arse. Maybe the blog gender analyser will get my gender right now.

The queen of cyber CBT

2008-11-13T09:33:00.003Z

Is it just me or is there a sense of ennui hanging over this particular corner of the blogosphere at the moment? What with patroclus threatening to quit entirely, annie on a break, the non-appearance of Tim's review of the Wire or the fact that geoff has pains in his legs and GSE can't get enough things to hate. If that isn't enough the 'W' has fallen off my laptop (which means thatI have to employ a piece of wire if I want to post a question).

I wonder what we can do to cheer everybody up a bit. I thought that the election across the pond may help but the general view seems to be, 'nice man but I bet it won't change a bloody thing'. I am therefore issuing a challenge: try to post something amusing or inspiring which will give us all a lift in these grim post-crash, pre-Christmas days...that's right let's all think positive shall we.

O bollocks to this shitting w

This is the dawning of a new era*

2008-11-06T10:17:00.004Z

The first day of a new golden era dawns. Well he hasn't managed to change the weather in Ballykissarse yet but still he can weave the words can't he. Something about seeing that black family on stage in that sea of people made me cry until Mr Realdoc pipes up...'Well at least the bullet-proof glass industry will survive the recession now'.

*On the first Specials album good song.

P.S. There is a stupid man on woman's hour saying there are no female bloggers and giving that stupid woman, who moved up North and thinks she deserves a medal, another bloody namecheck. Now some stupid woman is mentioning blogs that are useful............useful nobody told me they were supposed to be useful

Stolen meme thing

2008-10-16T12:57:00.004+01:00

vicus did this meme and I thought it rather splendid so I have nicked it. I left out some questions as they seemed a bit irrelevant to me.

1. Put your ipod on shuffle

2. For each question press the next button to get your answer.

3. Don't cheat

What would best describe your personality?

Lady Madonna - The Beatles

What do you like in a girl/guy?

Brass Buttons - Gram Parsons

How do you feel today?

Learning To Fly - Pink Floyd

What's your life's purpose?

Reach Out I'll Be There - The Four Tops

What's your motto?

Never Can Say Goodbye -The Communards

What do your friends think of you?

Fido, Your Leash is Too Long - The Magnetic Fields

What is your life story?

What Can I Do? - Antony and the Johnsons

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Bright College Days - Tom Lehrer

What do strangers think of you?

Karma Police - Radiohead

How's your love life?

Goodbye to Love - The Carpenters

What will they play at your funeral?

Picture This - Blondie

What's your biggest secret?

These Boots are Made for Walking - Nancy Sinatra

What do you think of your friends?

Everybody Knows (Except You) - Divine Comedy

What song do you listen to when you are sad?

Decatur - Sufjan Stevens

In love?

Not a Crime - Gogol Bordello

What's your signature karaoke song?

Justified and Ancient - KLF

What is your greatest desire?

The Masochism Tango - Tom Lehrer

How will you die?

Ther She Goes Again - The Velvet Underground

Do people secretly lust after you?

All the Way To Reno - REM

What's the best advice you will ever get?

Smokestack Lightnin' - Howlin' Wolf

Well, I'm not sure that was very enlightening although the combination of having a personality like Lady Madonna and having to 'Say Goodbye to Love' is a bit worrying.

Heroes of the new enlightenment

2008-10-14T10:32:00.003+01:00

Apparently the end of civilisation as we know it means that we will have a flowering of culture as people try to find more meaning in their lives than has hitherto been the case. Instead of dreaming of acquiring such trinkets as this, this or this, we will sit about penning sonnets, planning our allotment, making do and mending and talking to our children. Except in our house, where the main topic of conversation seems to be the X Factor and how lovely and smiley Cheryl Cole is and to think I thought she was just a cheap Northern slapper when actually she is a little china doll who you would just like to have sitting on your mantlepiece giving you encouraging little smiles and hugging you every time you feel a bit crap.*

Apropos of nothing at all, is anyone else in the world watching this, it is a bit buried in the schedules after the Billie Piper sex thing on ITV2 but has made me laugh a lot. Alan Statham was on it last week as a super villain with the power to turn off lights. They should get Cheryl on with her superpower being the ability to turn cynical old munters into softies.

*I was going to insert a lovely picture of Cheryl here but in all the ones I saw she appears to have her tits or fandango on display so I haven't bothered.

Things I have Learnt This Week

2008-10-07T10:01:00.004+01:00

1. The proper way to refer to calculus is 'the calculus'. That's what Prof. du Sautoy called it last night in the very wonderful Story of Maths - BBC4.

2. Any, admittedly tenuous, grasp I thought I had on how economics works has evaporated. Does anyone out there know what the fuck is going on?

3. How to play A, E, and D (and their minor equivalents) on the guitar. Also I can do the beginning of Smoke on the Water which is really very easy.

4. Attempting to assist teenrealdoc with her French homework when your main source of knowledge is Foux de Fa Fa is a bit of a waste of time. *

5. This doesn't work.

So there you have it - lifelong learning in action

*Although I can ask for my favourite soft drink. "Jus de pamplemousse et jus d'ananas dans un melange s'il vous plait."

End of the world?

2008-09-30T10:29:00.004+01:00

If you have read my blog for a while you may be aware that Mr Realdoc is a bit of an apocalypse junkie so at the moment he is in his element, hoarding cornflakes, making plans to farm the lawn and investigating how one gets a gun license. In his opinion a blink of an eye will take us from the collapse of a number of large financial institutions to a Survivors type scenario in which he stars as the one member of the human race with the foresight to make sure no-one will go without a decent breakfast.

I think if we hoard stuff bigger, meaner people will come and take it off us so I am using my last days wisely by comparing different types of gin. (this is the best!) and watching all the extra bits in my DVD box sets (David Tennant's video diary - yummers!)

PS No-one commented on babydoc's little sylvanian going up Everest, he really did you know!

Back from the Grave.....3

2008-09-25T09:20:00.005+01:00

Right, first sorry for deserting the blog for so long. No real excuses I just ran out of things to say. I have been reading all your blogs and listening to a variety of podcasts so I think I'm more or less up to date with the goings-on. Meeting some old friends last weekend has given me a kickstart to try again so here goes. An update

I am back being a proper doctor again...hurrah. Medical management was not for me and doctors are stroppy bastards generally so it was rather like herding cats.

Mr realdoc had an epiphany on holiday due to this place and now spends a lot of time throwing himself at the North Atlantic in a vain attempt to reverse the aging process. (think King Canute in a wetsuit)

Teenrealdoc is now taller and gobbier than me and spends a lot of her time trying to convince me why, despite the fact that Angel is hotter, Spike/Buffy is the more romantic pairing.

Baby realdoc is now in big school and growing taller and gobbier by the day. The Sylvanians are being a bit neglected despite the fact that one of them, Dusty Evergreen??, recently scaled Mt. Everest.....no really!

Ballykissarse is in the grip of a cultural renaissance with a modern art gallery, an experimental theatre company and an indie rock venue all opening since I last spoke to you.**

I am a little older, more gnarly and saggy, but still in search of the perfect post-modern sitcom, life-changing novel or piece of music. I have watched all 5 series of The Wire and was blown away. I watched the entire run of Bonekickers and wasn't. Although Hugh Bonneville is my new unlikely sex symbol after Lost in Austen. I am listening to Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver and as a result will probably buy a lumberjack shirt and move into the shed. So I'll sign off now and hope to keep this updated at least once a week, laters.

* A work colleague, Dr Nigel Hart, at the summit of Mt. Everest March 08

**This is complete bollocks of course....but we have got a new Lidl.

**********UPDATE********* Doing a pathetic round of the blogroll to drum up some business but I can't seem to comment on a lot of blogs at the moment. But I'll keep trying.

Everything you need to know is here

2007-08-19T17:12:00.000+01:00

A fantastic series of lectures by the world's greatest thinkers on everything you will ever need to know about everything is here!

*******************WARNING**************************

If you go to this website you may not come out for a number of years.

This is quite interesting

2007-06-14T15:01:00.000+01:00

Some clever scientists, with not enough to do, have worked out how much the internet weighs.

They have calculated the number of electrons which fly around every time a piece of digital information goes whizzing down the line and worked out that the internet weighs.......

.....wait for it

..........................2 grammes!

On a completely unrelated topic I have read that there is now a Cornish Liberation Army who are threatening bomb attacks in Cornwall. Now we live in Northern Ireland and , quite frankly, we have had our fill of liberation armies. We are going to Cornwall on our holidays which now appears to be one of those 'frying pan into the fire' decisions which I have been prone to make. I only hope that they delay the outbreak of their struggle until after the realdocs have left.
Just popping out to book next year's summer break in Gaza.

Stupid reasons for buying things #1

2007-06-05T17:14:00.000+01:00

I purchased this clock for my new kitchen so that on New Years Eve we can watch all the flaps turn over and pretend we are stuck down a hatch like on Lost.

Relaxing weekend...I wish.

2007-06-04T15:04:00.000+01:00

Sorry I wasn't around at the weekend but I was bringing a group of 10-16 year old girls on a trip to Dublin for an introduction to waterpolo from the Women in Sport initiative. I gained a lot of knowledge and insight from the day (including spending 7 hours with them on a minibus) as follows:

waterpolo is a very violent sport especially when the kids get to "tackle" their swimming coach at close quarters.
I now know every feature on my phone (and all of their phones)
I have had a crash course in how to play Animal Crossing (a game on those little machines they all have)
If you let a bunch of girls loose in a shopping centre they will spend all the money they have brought for lunch on shoes and hair accessories.
I now have an intimate knowledge of Hannah Montana, High School Musical and how "hot" Orlando Bloom is.
Teenage girls feel that saying "whatevah" is too much like hard work. They now say "vah" instead.

It is a relief to be back in the laid back and relaxing atmosphere of the NHS.

Lies, damn lies, not even any statistics

2007-05-29T18:13:00.000+01:00

The government in their infinite wisdom have decided to tell pregnant women that it is not safe to drink any alcohol during pregnancy. Apparently they feel this information will be easier to understand than " it is only safe to drink in moderation" which is the advice at present. This would be helpful if it was true but it is a lie. There is no evidence to show that small amounts of alcohol in pregnancy damage the fetus; ditto caffeine; ditto brie and pate; ditto stroking your cat.

Apparently in the US, that bastion of truth and freedom, pregnant women are routinely abused in starbucks for ordering a double espresso. In fact women in the US have been advised to regard themselves as pre-pregnant at all times and never drink alcohol or caffeine, smoke or take drugs, answer back to their husbands or attempt third-level education. OK I made the last two up but still, bloody health nazis!!!

Here is what your baby will look like if you have a small white wine spritzer at any time during your pregnancy............probably.

Passive aggressive puss

2007-05-25T17:59:00.000+01:00

If you read GSE's very helpful halp site you will know that a recent visit to the vet has revealed that our cat is clinically obese. This has resulted from him hassling the family for titbits every time the fridge is opened. So we have decided to be firm...no more snacking.

This policy has now been in force for only two days, but Courtney (after Courtney Walsh, the other one's called Curtley after Curtley Ambrose) is mounting a sustained campaign of passive resistance.....

sitting in my handbag when I want to go out

Standing on the paper when I'm trying to do the crossword

rolling in the coalhole

or just plain ignoring us

But I will stand firm, he will not triumph, oh no. I will be strong despite the fact that I have just realised I have turned into one of those sad, middle-aged women who post pictures of their cat on their blog

Return of the prodigal...er...blogger.

2007-05-22T14:38:00.000+01:00

I have been neglecting my blog for the last few months. Real life got very busy and then I just sort of got out of the habit and then the guilt set in. Must be a catholic thing but being tormented (well, vaguely irritated at least) by guilt because I am neglecting to update an online diary read by about three people, a peculiarly 21st century malaise, is a pain in the arse so here I am again.

I will start with something simple, so here's a cultural update on my reading, viewing and listening habits for the last few weeks:

Music: The new Tracey Thorn album is good in a chilled out sort of way and I have recently discovered the rather singular genius of Duke Special.

Books: The last 3 I read were

Engleby by Sebastian Faulks which is OK but slightly up its own arse

Theft: A Love Story by Peter Carey which is interesting especially if you want to know something about the world of modern art

Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky which is very like previous Sebastian Faulks efforts which is ironic.... or not.

Viewing: I don't get to the pictures much so it's all telly I'm afraid.

Heroes is good but I can already tell it's going to let me down in a Lost, 24 sort of way. It will meander around and disappear up its own fundiment. Of all the superpowers on show so far I think the ability to melt toasters is my favourite and certainly the most useful although I can't think what for yet.

I saw the perfect moustache porn (see here for clarification) for the middle-aged woman the other night when Tombstone was on. Yum yum and Sam Elliott is going to be Lee Scoresby in the film version of His Dark Materials and that, in my opinion, can only be a good thing.

So my aim is to be a good blogger from now on and not stay away for more than a week unless I am on holiday or ill or something. Just off to see what you've all been up to....later!

*(Rather optimistically) the picture features the slaughter of the fatted calf

Apologies

2007-04-25T22:26:00.000+01:00

I'm back and like the Terminator I don't have time for much chat. Just a quickie to say I'm still alive but I have an exam in 3 weeks and have had a busy month skiing, getting the kitchen sorted and having the flu. I plan to rejoin you all very soon. Podcast 3 is planned (in my head only at this stage).
Mr realdoc hasn't been great company recently as he has been riveted by the yawnsome spectacle that was the cricket world cup so I'm just going to have a scout around and see what you've all been up to whilst I've been away. Any hatches, matches or dispatches I need to know about??
Anyway mucho cyber love to you all.

A weekend of Hope in cynical times.

2007-03-19T12:46:00.000Z

I apologise for my recent prolonged absence. A combination of electrical mishaps, severed phonelines and a shedload of work have forced me off the blogosphere recently. We're not quite back to normal yet but I shall try my best to post a bit more regularly.

I just spent a lovely weekend with my mates from university in a place called Hope. The high Peaks are beautiful even if they are hard going for a rather indolent middle-aged woman whose usual exercise consists of hefting icecubes into the G&T. My companions were three other middle-aged women escaping their domestic responsibilities:

a bass-playing, karate chopping classics teacher
a would-be author
a consultant physician who (she tells me) knows everything there is to know about constipation.

The weekend started, as these things often do, with an almighty piss-up on the Friday night and the rest of the weekend was spent trying to recover.*

We chatted a lot, shared book and music recommendations and photos of the kids** and generally put the world to rights. I ended up being a right old misery, which is my wont, so for that I apologise.

On the Sunday morning, despite weather which (if you were prone to understatement) could be described as inclement, I was entertained by hundreds of people wearing lycra running down an extremely steep slope outside my bedroom window. I have never encountered fell-runners close up before and came to the conclusion that these people are clearly insane.

The journey home would have daunted Shackleton but I just about made it home again, mainly thanks to having this and this to distract me from the horizontal sleet and lightning at Manchester airport.

So, it's good to be back blogchums, hope you haven't all deserted me whilst I've been gone.

*If you are ever tempted to drink this stuff make sure you have nothing important to do the next day.

**You never, never, never get used to seeing photos of the children of people you have known in your youth.

101 Uses for a fat person's arse #1

2007-03-04T19:15:00.000Z

After all my complaining about fat people, it seems they may come in useful if we are going to save the planet from global warming...... see here.

Just what web 2.0 needs, more baby animals.

2007-03-01T16:13:00.000Z

Everyone is posting cute pictures of baby animals. I thought I would join in as this blog is nothing if not an avalanche of plagiarism. It is spring time after all and soon we will all be kicking around in the metaphorical afterbirth of a new season. Here you are then.....

Wreck of the Hindenberg

2007-02-27T18:22:00.000Z

This young man has been getting a lot of press recently. He is 8, he weighs 14 stone. Now, I'm not a nutritional expert but even I know that weighing more than your age is not a good thing.

The powers that be are worried that his excessive weight may adversely affect his health, which is akin to wondering whether driving into a brick wall will adversely affect your car.

The debate is whether what his mother has done to him is child abuse and therefore if he should be taken into care. My response would be definately yes to the first and definately no to the second.

Turning an 8 year old into an enormous, piggy-faced gut bucket is undoubtably abuse but if he gets put into care the enormous food bill may well cripple the welfare state on its own.

Maybe I am a cruel an heartless person but, this is Darwinism in action and I think it is our duty to stand back and watch for the good of the species.

That meme that's got everywhere.

2007-02-21T23:29:00.000Z

Seven things I have wanted to be (in chronological order, roughly):

1. 10
2. Anne of Green Gables
3. Hawkeye
4. An olympic swimmer
5. Someone's valentine
6. A bass player in a punk band
7. A polymath

Seven things I have been:

1. Gawky
2. A prefect
3. A barmaid
4. A (very crap) DJ
5. An assistant at a liver transplant
6. A GP
7. Disillusioned

Shouting at the radio, the first sign of madness.

2007-02-19T14:34:00.000Z

I am back, having been deprived of internet access for 4 days whilst in London. Despite the fact that I am definately NOT addicted to the internet I did find myself getting a bit twitchy by the end. A lot of stuff has happened in the interim and I am particularly sorry that I missed any discussion on the carcrash that was the Brits.

So, apropos of nothing at all, I am going to rant on a bit about the Today programme on radio 4, Mr. John Humphries in particular.

As first thing in the morning, I like to be lulled into consciousness, rather than harangued by a fat misogynist with inner child issues, I waken to the Today programme. This has been my routine for at least 10 years. Recently, however, I am finding the programme increasingly irritating. I don't know if it is the insufferable 'Thought for the Day' ,(my thought..if I wanted to be lectured on my morals I would go to a philosophy lecture and not listen to a patronising load of bollocks spouted by a sanctimonious cleric with inner child issues.) or the invariable items on the demise of the sparrow. No, the thing that winds me up the most is the unbearably smug Mr. Humphries. You may recognise the tone, you know, self-satisfied and utterly devoid of humour or self-awareness.

This progamme is meant to be the flagship discussion and news programme on the BBC and all we are given is Mr. Humphries whining on and on about everything......why oh why.... ad nauseum, interspersed with the so-called tough questioning of various government representatives. In fact all he does is loudly express a personal belief and then sit back and ignore everything that is said to him in reply.

I was unlucky enough to hear him on some other programme talking about music the other day and it was obvious to me that he is one of those people who just doesn't 'get' the point of it, it's just background noise to him. Whilst I'm on the subject he is also patronising towards his fellow presenters, especially the women. Also he's about 60 and he has a little kid, yeuchhh. And he's always going on about how he wants it to rain, for the benefit of the farmers, when it's been pissing it down here for about 6 weeks.

Now I am not young, I am proudly middle-aged. What that means is that about half the population are younger than me. Mr Humphries is either speaking for the older demographic and is quite happy to be out of touch with the rest of us, or I am just a bit touchy*.

Anyway, I would like to listen to a current affairs programme in the morning that informs and entertains without being patronising. I would like to hear a presenter who isn't an old-fashioned, misogynistic, creepy, egotist. Is that too much to ask?

*Rhetorical, obviously.

I'm not dead I just blog as if I am

2007-02-11T13:55:00.000Z

Despite evidence to the contrary I am not dead but the much over-rated, and hellishly inconvenient, real life keeps getting in the way of my blog. I am still reading everyone's stuff but not always commenting. Hopefully I will be back with a vengence soon.

I will be in London again this week visiting the in-laws for half-term. (I know, I know my carbon footprint is the size of a small African nation). Unlikely to see any of you though, as I will be accompanied by the kids and a grumpy consultant radiologist. The itinerary is thus certain to include:

A visit to the only specialist sylvanian family outlet in the UK (in the wasteland that is Finsbury Park in case you're interested) with baby realdoc.
Top Shop Oxford Street with petulent teen realdoc. (feel my pain)
The Science Museum to see the first CT scanner (again).
(if I get to choose) A trip to Divertimenti to slaver over the lovely kitchen accessories which would look perfect in my embryonic new kitchen but will prove too expensive for Mr. realdoc to agree to purchase.

Give us a wave if you spot us.

Oooooo look, Ryvita with pumpkin seeds and oats.

2007-02-05T16:17:00.000Z

The other day I was browsing the aisles in Tescos. I'm terrible in the supermarket*; I tend to buy a selection of interesting things rather than anything that might conceivably be combined to produce a meal. I digress, I was looking at the cracker section and noticed that ryvita have produced an number of interesting new varieties.

This took me back to the days when I was young and the signal that my mum was on a diet was the presence of ryvita in the house along with this stuff.

All tasty titbits were banned when mum was on a diet, not that they were much in evidence anyway, so when I arrived home from school ravenous I was reduced to eating what was available. Now a meal of ryvita and PLJ tasted like house bricks washed down with battery acid but I still remember thinking it was exotic, somehow, to be eating it.

The, admittedly somewhat lame, point of this story is that food must have got a hell of a lot more interesting since the 70s.**

*For example it takes me an age to choose bananas, too many difficult dilemmas you see:

green vs yellow

organic vs non-organic

free trade vs ?nasty capitalistic

big vs small

**Not interesting enough for me not to buy the new ryvita though.***

***Although I will never buy that acid stuff, oh no!

I fart in your general direction...

2007-02-03T22:42:00.001Z

After a shitty week this managed to make me laugh out loud. Enjoy.

New! Hypochondriasis induction service.

2007-01-30T13:05:00.000Z

I was going to do a funny post today but then I read this in the Guardian and got spitting-mad so you'll have to put up with a rant instead.
If you are a completely healthy person and you pay an outrageous amount of money for a full body scan you are a total twat.
Why you cry? "Isn't it a good thing to know that everything is OK and there are no lurking tumours or aneurysms waiting to kill you at any moment?"

No No No No No and again NO.

To quote the article "She had experienced no symptoms whatsoever, but it could have burst at any moment: the scan's locating of it allowed a relatively easy surgical fix."

But what, as would often be the case, there is no easy surgical fix. Then you have to live your life with a death sentence, would that make you feel better or worse do you think?
The other thing is that in the average middle-aged person the liklihood of having a normal scan is small. They would find little lumps and bumps which may or may not be dangerous. You will then be forced to have annual complete body scans to check if the innocuous lumps have changed or grown, making lots of money for the scan companies which is the aim of the whole bloody exercise.
Everyone who goes in for this sort of thing is seeking reassurance but not everyone will get it so think long and hard before subjecting yourself to an unnecessary investigation.

If however you are fascinated by scans and anatomy I can recommend Mr. realdoc's favourite site in the whole world, here. Marvel at the pretty pictures. I have a feeling that this is what he sees at moments of high emotion so wonderfully described by patroclus.

PS Someone found my blog by searching google for the phrase 'lard haemorrhoid'...a world first?

Staring into the maw of the beast.

2007-01-26T19:36:00.000Z

Last night I decided to confront the beast that I will be facing and watched 'skins'. (It doesn't appear to have a capital letter, presumably increasing its appeal to the texting generation of barely literate youth.) The characters are all bright and shiny and good-looking and confident. Remind you of your youth? No me neither.
The teenagers frolicked and danced, had sex, took drugs and chatted up their teachers whilst running rings around their cartoon-crap parents. Now when I was young (you don't think you'll you ever say that phrase but you will, you will) I was miserable and embarrassed, greasy, spotty and deeply anti-social. In the company of adults I was monosyllabic, with my friends earnest and with the opposite sex terrified. Most of the time, however I was alone in my bedroom reading dark and obscure works of fiction, writing appalling angst-ridden verse or cataloging my record collection. Not much drama for a TV series there.
Now, maybe I had a worse adolescence than most, but I do not recognise the version of those terrible years portrayed in 'Skins'*. I shall not be watching it again. As well as being bright and shiny all the characters were smug, shallow and very dull.
Are teenagers that different now or was I suffering from some sort of sociopathic personality disorder?
So, were your adolescent years the best of your life or the night of the living dead?

* I am an adult and will therefore use the appropriate punctuation.

All that's topical in Ireland

2007-01-23T14:48:00.000Z

Despite the fact that there have been some significant news stories in this part of the world, there is only one issue occupying the populace at the moment.

(one of my close relatives)

Where is Craggy Island really?

Thank God for split personalities.

2007-01-22T15:03:00.000Z

Well ,the builders have dug through the oil pipe by mistake so I have no heating, cooking facilities or hot water. My real self is shivering, starving and getting slightly whiffy.

Meanwhile my blogging persona (see here and here) is lying on a balmy beach on a hammock reading whilst uniformed waiters bring me elaborate drinks served in a coconut.

Here is the view:

Insufficient multitasking capacity.

2007-01-20T11:14:00.000Z

I have been neglecting my blog a bit as:

The Northern Irish health service is being reorganised and I have to 'make an impression' if I want to keep my job. I can say 'would you like some toast' in the manner of Sean Connery but I don't think that's going to help somehow.

My kitchen is being rebuilt so walls down, dust everywhere, intermittant access to the cooker* etc.

I don't want to be labelled an addict (see last post).

My eldest is entering her teenage years which seems to involve a lot of door-slamming and mood swings which require me to stand in the corner and be verbally abused in a sarcastic manner and have my make-up nicked.

I have 28 books piled up next to my bed and I'm feeling guilty about not having read them.

I'm doing a post-graduate diploma thing which is extremely dull but I have only 4 months to go so I'm supposed to do some assignments and stuff.

So I will be here reading but perhaps not posting and commenting as much as before.

CB wanted to see some examples of Northern Ireland vernacular architecture. Here you are then, don't say I didn't warn you...

*cue noise of mass wincing*

This may not look so bad but in rural Northern Ireland ALL the houses look like this although they may also have large, rampant lions on the gateposts and a 6foot high model of a windmill in the garden. Such houses are often called 'La Ponderosa'.

Addicted to the internet?

2007-01-17T19:16:00.000Z

I heard on the radio that doctors are going to be asked to quiz patients on their internet addictions as a clue to other addictive and potentially health-threatening behaviours..... oh dear.

Plus first in what is sure to become a longrunning theme:

NOVEL EXCUSES BY FRIENDS NOT TO COME AND VISIT ME IN NORTHERN IRELAND #1

"The vernacular architecture makes me wince."*

*She has a point.

realdoc's diary

2007-01-15T12:02:00.000Z

......or the weekend I went to London and it all went a bit surreal for a while.

I arrived on Friday and spent a lovely evening with friends. I was quite surprised to see this in their kitchen.....

My mate works at Channel 4 news and apparently the newsroom is now right behind the coke vs kittens campaign. (Even if Jon Snow thinks Ska is an acronym.)

The next day I went here and met this person and this person. However due to a pressing engagement I missed all the rest of you. SORRY!

So I yomped up to this place for the Green Wing convention. After lunch involving hula hoops, caramacs and chocolate cocks I watched a famous actor refereeing a game of guyball involving a lot of ladies with wastepaper bins on their heads in the middle of a roundabout.

(Sorry for the crap photography, I was shivering)

I met some more bloggers and Marsha Klein (blog deceased) and cello (who has a profile but no blog.)

There was also a bloke there who claimed to be an academic investigating online communities, lots of Green Wing related writers and cameramen and other jobs I don't understand and lots of lovely people from the Green Wing forum. Being a skinflint I failed to secure bluecat's signed script in the auction which went for an alarming amount of money.*

There was a Q&A type session involving the writers being grilled on the medical details of Dr. Mac's impending doom and one of the writers kindly spoke to Mr. realdoc on the phone and listened politely whilst all his bile on behalf of the radiology profession was poured forth. ("...and in episode 9 one of the x-rays was upside down"....etc etc ad nauseum).

I had a very brief discussion with a famous person, some thing about Miss Marple and Mica Paris I think but I may have been hallucinating by then.

mangonel....marvel at how close I was to the back of his head.

It was very nice to discover that not as many of you as I had feared had bizarre personality disorders.

Now I'm going for a bit of a lie down.

*Seeing he was there and could have signed something anyway.

I'm going to a convention....

2007-01-11T16:07:00.000Z

Well, it's going to be an exciting weekend. I am heading to London for the Green Wing convention. I have never been to a convention before and so I'm not quite sure what to expect.* Hopefully I will meet some of you there but I have been instructed that I am unable to give details of the venue etc in case we become targets for international espionage or something.

If you see a bewildered middle-aged woman wandering around clutching a yoyo and a packet of hulahoops, but NOT dressed in scrubs with stethoscope accessories, that will be me. Send me an email and I will let you know, roughly, which part of London I'll be in.

*Word on the street is that there may be quite a lot of people with wastepaper baskets stapled to their heads, this remains to be seen.

P.S. All this time I thought messing around on the internet was just time wasting. Little did I know I was developing my soul. The cybergeek will inherit the earth, apparently.

Blogging in a vacuum #2

2007-01-09T18:44:00.000Z

Blogger is being a total bastard* again just when some interesting posts were turning up, see here. So if you are all doing brilliant posts and I haven't commented it's because bastard blogger says I'm a computer virus or some such nonsense. Hopefully it will be fixed soon.

Meanwhile you should watch this. The problem with the NHS is that doctors are all bastards*, apparently.

*bastard is my swear of the day

Another one of these...

2007-01-05T15:10:00.000Z

Well I did another podcast and you can get it here.

I have also been trying to work out what Mac is dying from but as nearly every fatal illness I can think of has an 'A' and an 'E' in it I haven't made much progress.* I was slightly stunned when I saw it last night but it is much funnier on second viewing, highlights:

new shouty radiologist (Mr realdoc loved him)
New improved Karen and the office girls going native
you shat in my vodka?
you cannae, you didnae etc etc
drunk Mac and Guy
'I meant inside her womb, not up her'
Hiding a body with cornflakes
that suit!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that Joanna and Statham made me cry at the end ...etc etc etc

The end of the funniest programme on telly by miles, I will miss it very much. Congratulations to everyone involved. I will buy you a drink if I ever meet any of you...

*UPDATE It must be Menke's Kinky Hair Syndrome. How could I be so blind, Green Wing has always been about the hair.

Nice one centurion!

2007-01-04T15:56:00.000Z

According to a classics teacher of my acquaintance the Roman soldier on Torchwood last night was shouting, 'I'm hard me! Be afraid! Be very afraid!
Well there's a joke aimed at a narrow demographic, but admirable nonetheless.

New Year's unrealistic aspirations

2007-01-02T16:01:00.000Z

I hate New year's resolutions, they're pointless and I never keep to them so this year I decided to have some unrealistic aspirations instead.
I am wondering about whether I should consider becoming transhuman; which, I'll concede is more ambitious than resolving to go to the gym occasionally, but probably just as unlikely.
I could become a poet or improve my cooking or, better still, combine the two.
I could learn Finnish as I fancy going to Finland but it is a confusing language and I'm not getting very far on this forum so far.
I could get a new man but after a certain age they all look the same to me.

So there you have it, my unrealistic aspirations for 2007. So in all probability I will just keep posting the same old nonsense in the hope that someone is reading it. Although, ahem,because of this I will have to do another podcast.

Finally a little piece of advice to all you women out there, if the man in your life is irritating and difficult to get rid of, why not give a gift that sums up his inner qualities.

Better...

2006-12-29T19:18:00.000Z

I am feeling better thanks to lemsip and industrial quantities of fruit.
So, being bored I watched a lecture about cryptography...interesting but not enough detail
I joined twitter.com....haven't discovered what the point of that is yet
I sort of surfed around and look what I found, clickety click
......... a veritable goldmine for those of you who like unusual cover versions. This should keep me away from my essay for a while, hurrah!!!

Doctor, heal thyself

2006-12-29T14:34:00.000Z

I'm sick which is a total bummer because sitting at a computer makes me feel nauseous and I have spent all morning trying to set up a wireless adapter on my eldest's computer which has meant far more interaction with helplines than is good for one.
I am not hungover and have eaten nothing but I have a slight fever and a cough so I probably have a minor upper respiratory tract infection. Pausing only to post this guff, I am crawling back under the duvet. I will emerge re-invigourated and hopefully with something more interesting to post.

Seasonal Greetings

2006-12-22T16:24:00.000Z

Right, I am pausing in my prepartions to do a last post before Christmas. I shall have to undergo several hours of armed combat in Tescos later and then will be chained to an oven for the next three days. I will emerge battered and bruised and covered in a sheen of bacon fat on Boxing Day.

I have to say the only thing I'm looking forward to is the Royal Institution's annual Christmas lectures on science, see here, which I have watched every year since I can remember. But then, I am a bit of a saddo, as you know. They are on maths this year, hurrah! I would highly recommend these talks especially to wannabe geeks without a background in science but with an interest in cryptography.*

Hope you all have as happy a time as it is possible to have when confined in a small space with your close relatives and a shedload of alcohol. I will leave you with a seasonal scene courtesy of littlest realdoc (who is so excited she is spending at least 75% of each day standing on her head.)

*You know who you are.

'Tis the season of school musical extravaganzas

2006-12-18T19:00:00.000Z

We are well into the season of school Christmas productions, one down and one to go in our house. Old fashioned Nativity plays seem to be out of fashion in favour of a more democratic form of entertainment with a somewhat distant relationship to the greatest story ever told.

We have already 'enjoyed' a musical evening at littlest realdoc's primary school. This involved the whole school on the stage dressed in a variety of costumes from rock star to gospel choir (not blacked up I am pleased to report but I bet it was mooted at some point) and featuring numbers set in, to name a couple of examples, a Greek restaurant ('Come and try our tara-mas-a-lata') and a department store ('Let's go shooopppping, let's go shoooppping'). We were treated to several anguished pleas for the loo and one younger participant falling asleep and missing his big moment. Much respect to all you primary school teachers out there, at least we're related to the little buggers. All in all I've seen worse but then I have worked in A&E in the past and the standard of seasonal singing in there is pretty woeful.

The main problem is that going to these things brings back Mr. realdoc's memories of his days treading the boards at school. He has a distinguished CV including Yum Yum in the Mikado and Nancy* in Oliver. (It was a boys only establishment.) You have not experienced pain until you are woken in the morning by the strains of a consultant radiologist singing 'As long as 'eeee neeeeeds meeee' in the shower.

*Mr. realdoc had been promised the part of the Artful Dodger and a family holiday was postponed in anticipation, he has never really got over it.

PS for those of you browned off with Christmas the solution lies here. Thanks to baggie for pointing it out.

My Christmas Hell

2006-12-16T20:56:00.000Z

I am risking another post as blogger seems to be behaving again. I was starting to think about giving up the ghost with the bloody thing to be honest, but your brave efforts to comment despite any challenge put to you has spurred me on.
A few observations:

bloggers are much better qualified than your average man in the street.
No matter how self-obsessed I am I'm not as bad as this.
TV hits all time low.*
Is it wrong to be fed up with Christmas when it hasn't even started yet? I hate being the family Scrooge, but it's hard not to be grumpy when you have to organise the whole bloody thing. 'But just think of their little faces', yeah, sugared up to the eyeballs and behaving like primadonnas with PMT because they've been up since 5 in the morning.

*Yes, your opportunity to vote which endangered species should die first.

Posting in a vacuum

2006-12-14T15:12:00.000Z

I'm not sure what is happening but it seems that non-beta bloggers can't post comments on my blog at the moment. This is very irritating. Does anyone know anything I can do to solve this problem other than quitting and re-registering somewhere else and losing my archive? I don't want to move if I can avoid it. Blogger help, known issues etc have been no help at all.

*

*This was the first photo that came up when I put vacuum into google images.

Our Tune....try not to boke.

2006-12-11T19:44:00.000Z

A funny thing happened. Mr realdoc and I have a song, it's our song and has been for nearly 20 years. It's a fairly obscure soul classic from a lady called Barbara Lewis called 'Baby I'm Yours' and it is very soppy in a sweet sort of way. It's the sort of song that you pick as 'your song' when you're young and the world still seems like a soppy and sweet sort of place.

You can imagine us in the first flush of young love looking a bit like the couple on the cover. You can imagine us like that if you like, we don't look anything like them , but still.

Anyway back to the funny thing that happened. I discovered that the fashionable, power pop combo The Arctic Monkeys had done a cover version of our song. I was stunned, no really. This is a song that I have never once heard played on the radio and have met very few people that have even heard of it. Well I had to hear it, so I downloaded it and Mr. realdoc and I listened and they hadn't sped it up or messed around with it. They have just done a fairly standard cover version really....... well we went a bit misty-eyed for a minute and just for a little while felt that the world was a soppy and sweet place to be in again.

Just thought I'd share, hope I haven't caused too many regurgitations on to keyboards. Do any of you have a song?

I am now officially a multimedia realdoc!

2006-12-10T18:19:00.000Z

Well, my sister got me all the stuff to do it for my birthday so it seemed a shame not to do it even though the result sounds like amateur hour on Radio Ballykissarse without the ads for pig feed.
Anyway hope some of you like the music on it and all that.

realdocast 1

*UPDATE* I've changed the link so it should work now. Thanks annie.

The NHS is dying.

2006-12-07T20:43:00.000Z

I have been forced today by circumstances to do a serious post about the state of the NHS in this country. Quite recently I turned to the dark side, leaving frontline medicine for medical management.
My motivations for doing this were many but chief amongst them was the desire to make a difference to the service which I considered was being mismanaged.
I am becoming disillusioned. It has become increasingly clear to me that this government has no desire for a better, more efficient service. They want rid of the service, period. Various initiatives which I, to my shame, have been involved in implementing, are destroying the psychological contract between doctors and their employers at the Department of Health.
Today on the radio I was listening to the comments made by General Mike Jackson with regard to the army, see here. Now I am no fan of the army, or of General Jackson in particular, but some of his comments regarding the ethos of soldiering and the trust between a population and its armed forces struck home. It would be easy to replace the word army with the word medicine.
In my younger days I worked 140 hour weeks for a service I believed was doing good. For the most part health professionals were left to make decisions regarding the resources they required to do the job properly. They had the respect of the government and the public. In return they worked long hours and had a real pride in what they were doing. This is no longer the case. Resourcing decisions are in the hands of management consultants, frontline clinicians are given targets and protocols without the means to deliver them. Respect from the public is decreasing and their confidence in the service is at an all time low.
It is my belief that the government's unspoken agenda is to bring down the NHS and contract health services from competing multi-national health providers. They will do this by continuing to undermine the service by setting business-style peformance targets without consultation with those delivering those targets. Clinicians are leaving the service, medical education is a mess and getting worse. I am afraid that when I am old and vulnerable there will be no NHS to look after me. I have tried to influence this process from the inside but I have failed to make any impact. Where this leaves me personally is my concern but the rest of you should be very afraid, very afraid.

Other people have the best ideas.

2006-12-04T20:20:00.000Z

I didn't know what to post and I am struggling with a (ahem) side project which at the moment appears to be much more trouble than it will be worth in the end, and then I read patroclus and I thought what a good idea I'll nick that.

What have I learnt from men? Well patroclus has had 4 serious boyfriends in the last 15 years but I've just had Mr. realdoc who, as you may know, is not very communicative and has borderline Alzheimers, so the answer to that would probably be frig all. But after some thought that's probably a little uncharitable so my list of things I have learnt from men is as follows:

googlie bowling, the difference between pinot and cabernet, the physics of MRI scanning, an appreciation of Beethoven (sort of), fire lighting (the proper way, no firelighters allowed),knot tying, astronomy and the Yorkshire method of putting on socks.

**UPDATE** But obviously not googly spelling (thanks dave)

Restricted post.

2006-12-03T13:12:00.000Z

No piccies or links yet so you will just have to make do with some quotes of the day from the lovely, but slightly demented Mr. realdoc.

'Are your fountain pen cartridges trans-gender?

'I love a bit of Elgar with my shredding.'

***UPDATE****
For those of you having trouble with your compose toolbar this is how you fix it.

Blogger playing up

2006-12-02T13:40:00.000Z

The 'compose' toolbar is gone when I try to make posts so I can't put up pictures or links or change the font or anything. I haven't changed my settings. Does anyone know how to fix this problem? The help page hasn't been much help.

Birthday, pah!

2006-12-01T17:46:00.000Z

I am a year older today than I was yesterday, which in my book is nothing to celebrate. I share mon anniversaire with the following people and events.

1953 First issue of Hugh Heffner's Playboy magazine: the centre-page spread featured American actress Marilyn Monroe in the nude.

Fullveldisdagur Islendinga

World Aids Day

Rosa Parks was arrested for challanging race laws in Montgomery, Alabama

1969 - Vietnam War: The first draft lottery in the United States is held since World War II

The Sex Pistols shocked the world by saying four-letter words on a telly programme.

Richard Pryor, Woody Allen and Bette Midler were born.

Anyway, being a miserable, mopey cow I have had the Birthday I deserve. This cake sort of sums it up....

I shall cheer up tomorrow as it will no longer be my birthday and littlest realdoc is coming back tonight. (Just cross your fingers that it's not too windy for the ferry crossing or she may come back covered in puke.)

Bloggerati?

2006-11-29T18:47:00.000Z

Do any of you out there feature in this tome?

Would you buy a hospital from this man?

2006-11-28T18:49:00.000Z

Apparently the government, in its infinite wisdom are going to allow hospitals to use 'celebrities' to advertise their services.

This conjures up some horrific images. Just imagine Geri Halliwell or some soap star, in soft focus, espousing the merits of her local maternity unit, we might even get film of the birth itself if we're very unlucky.

Gazza or Wayne Rooney endorsing the excellent service provided by their local A&E, 'when I had a night on the tiles and ended up in a punch up they stitched me up lovely'.

There's only one problem with this plan, in my experience celebrities don't avail themselves of the NHS, at least not when their star is on the rise. Pete Doherty has probably been in a few NHS clinics but I don't think his endorsement would count for very much.

The article also mentions that those perceived as 'medical experts' by the public could not be used although the government is 'still open'minded about whether this restriction should apply to actors in medical soaps'???????
Now I know the public is stupid but surely they realise that these people don't really know anything about medicine, don't they?

So who would be your top pick for a celebrity NHS endorsement?

The world is a wonderful place

2006-11-24T21:23:00.000Z

I have just discovered my new favourite animal in the whole, wide world.

Here he is:

He is called a Blobfish.......probably.

UPDATE: for those of you who didn't believe he was real here is the wiki link.

Busy

2006-11-22T19:30:00.000Z

I am stupidly busy at the moment trying to do some or all of the following things:

1. Facilitating a culture of excellence in primary care.

2. Assisting in the creation of integrated, pathways of care.

3. Analysing the data from the QOF (Quality and Outcomes Framework)

4. Doing an irritating post-graduate diploma in health service management.

5. Buying all the Christmas presents, food, etc etc etc

6. Writing bloody, bloody, bloody Christmas cards.

7. Revamping the contents of my ipod.

8. Contemplating the imminent demolition of my kitchen.

9. Worrying in a pathetically clingy mother type way about littlest realdoc going away for 4 days.*

10. Angsting over what is the best way to approach the purchase of a 'first bra' for eldest little realdoc.

So if I am around less for the next few weeks that's why.**

*Should she bring her sucky blanky? Upside: she is comforted by its presence, downside: she may get teased.

**What I shall probably do is spend hours hanging around in cyberspace kidding myself I am searching for useful references to systems theory when I am in fact 'just checking' on the blogroll in case anything earth-shattering has happened.

Thank you

2006-11-19T12:42:00.000Z

Now this is going to be tricky.
Here I am 40 something. Married, kids, good job, nice roof over my head. I am very aware that there are a lot of people out there much less fortunate than me. My problem is that I am at the end of the book, so to speak. The rest of it, life I mean, doesn't usually warrant more than a postscript.
It's a matter of preparing the kids as best I can for their lives and then slipping into the background and let them get on with it. I am in the process of passing the baton. Trouble is I don't want to let go of the bloody baton.
It's all very well talking about raging against the dying of the light and growing old disgracefully but that is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. So this is a thank you to all of you out there who are making the whole process a little easier by making me laugh, providing a soundtrack and making me think that there is a lot more to discover about the world and the people in it.
Ladies and gentlemen.....the blogroll. Take a bow all of you.

*and to think this post was going to be a review of Casino Royale, well you can read that in the Sunday papers*

UPDATE Wyndham's review of Casino Royale is the only one you need to read.

Direct action

2006-11-15T18:09:00.000Z

Today the Guardian felt the need to include a free wallchart featuring pictures of crops on it. Now I'm not sure how many Guardian readers have a need to know what fodder beet looks like, (this if you're interested)

but I suspect that farmers already know and the rest of us don't give a toss.
Maybe you have been waiting for a crop wallchart to make your life complete, feel free to tell me about it if you have, but if so I suspect you are in a very small minority.

The thing that annoyed me is that they did it on a day when they also published this, so why not do what I'm doing and post it back to the hypocritical bastards.

From the sublime...

2006-11-14T16:38:00.000Z

Well, that quiz turned out to be slightly tedious didn't it. Good job I have a competitive sister to spend all her waking hours trying to find the answers. I shall buy her a coffee or something next time I see her.

Anyway this caught my attention the other day.

The combination of this..

and this.....
may not be a good idea, apparently.

Not letting drunk people fire rockets out of their arseholes....

It's Health and Safety gone maaad!!!

A little something for the weekend.

2006-11-11T13:22:00.000Z

Due to a general lack of inspiration and the bloody stat counter here is another quiz.
I did first lines of books last time so in a daring bastardisation of the genre this one will be last lines of books.
1 point for the title, 1 for the author.
The winner will get something, probably, if I can be bothered.

1. Peace.
Underworld Don deLillo TME

2. I lingered round them, under that benign sky; watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells; listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass; and wondered how anyone could ever imagine unquiet slumbers, for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
Wuthering Heights Emily Bronte Annie

3. The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to the utmost ends of the earth flowed sombre under an overcast sky - seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.
Heart of Darkness Joseph Conrad mangonel

4. Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?
Cloud Atlas David Mitchell timorous beastie

5. And on the way home, she met her brothers, and there was a rough-and-tumble, and the lovely crown was broken, and she forgot the message, which was never delivered.
Possession AS Byatt TME(nearly)

6. The gun, Bill Roach had finally convinced himself, was after all a dream.
Tiinker Tailor John Le Carre vicus

7. For the first time they had done something out of Love.
Perfume Patrick Suskind TME

8. "The republic of heaven," said Lyra.
The Amber Spyglass Phillip Pullman Annie

9. Just go to bed now. Quickly. Quickly and slowly.
Seymour an introduction JD Salinger TME

10. One bird said to Billy Pilgrim, 'Poo-tee-weet?'
Slaughterhouse 5 Kurt Vonnegut vicus

11. Bitter women will call you to rebellion, but you have too much to do. What will you do?
The Female Eunuch Germaine Greer TME

12. 'Darling,' replied Valentine, 'has not the count just told us that all human wisdom is summed up in two words? -"Wait and hope."'
The Count of Monte Cristo Alexander Dumas Nobody

13. There will be no conclusion.
Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow Peter Hoeg TME

14. Might I trouble you then to be ready in half an hour, and can we stop at Marcini's for a little dinner on the way?
The Hound of the Baskervilles Arthur Conan Doyle Tim

15. I should hope, then, that by the time of my employer's return, I shall be in a position to pleasantly surprise him.
Remains of the Day Kazuo Ishiguro TME

16. O God - please give him back! I shall keep asking You.
A Prayer for Owen Meany John Irving TME

17. All waiting for the amber.
All waiting for the green.
If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things Jon McGregor TME

18. The strains of the piano and violin rose up weakly from below.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Milan Kundera ziggi

19. Between Barton and Delaford, there was that constant communication which strong family affection would naturally dictate; and among the merits and the happiness of Elinor and Marianne, let it not be ranked as the least considerable, that though sisters, and living almost within sight of each other, they could live without disagreement between themselves, or producing coolness between their husbands.
Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen chaucer's bitch

20. "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."
A Tale of Two Cities Charles Dickens chaucer's bitch

There you go then, some really easy ones, some hard and a few, I think, are almost impossible. No googling, though, because that, I think we all agree, would be cheating.

Aural irritation

2006-11-10T16:09:00.000Z

You know those new fangled cardboard CD covers (which look all quaint and homemade) where instead of clicking the CDs into a plastic CD shaped space you slide it into a pocket? Like this one.

Well they bloody well scratch the CD aaaarrrrggghh.

Tagged....

2006-11-09T14:47:00.000Z

I have been tagged by the lovely Tim, (he's written a book you know). This means I must do the meme...5 things about me. Well here goes:

1. I make a mean roast dinner.

2. I love my ipod, I worry I love my ipod too much.

3. Despite the fact that I did 'all the right things', I still feel my parents find me somewhat disappointing.

4. Books and music often make me cry.

5. I am a redhead, which, despite popular opinion, is a good thing.

So there you go, I now 'tag' mangonel, llewtrah and dave. Get to it guys.

PLEASE LEAVE THE FOLLOWING IN ALL POSTS

'Remember that it isn't always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for, it can just as easily be something that you take for granted like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it.'

Worry, worry, worry.

2006-11-08T19:54:00.000Z

There are a lot of things I should be worrying about,
having to write an essay on systems theory,

the state of the world,

whether the way I wear my scarf will single me out as a twat,

how to cope on less sleep than normal because the bloody BBC are repeating this so bloody late,

if littlest realdoc will cope alone for 4 days here on her first school trip.

What, in fact, am I thinking about when tossing and turning in the wee, small hours.......

Bloody stats

Another medical post? You decide.

2006-11-04T15:56:00.000Z

Part of my job is to try and help GPs improve their service. One of the things we tell them to do is to consult their users to find out what they want. Earlier in this blog I had a bit of a rant against fictional portrayals of the medical profession, see here. So I thought I'd do a little user consultation of my own. So, if you are very bored why not answer some or all of the following questions...
1. Who is your favourite fictional doctor and why?
2. What makes a good doctor?
3. Any bad experiences of the medical profession? Tell me here.

Is this your sort of thing?

or maybe this?

or even this?

PS I see the Guardian must have been reading Patroclus

For my sis

2006-11-04T10:46:00.001Z

Happy Birthday, here is your favourite song.
A little love permanently in cyberspace for you

XXXXXXX

A Night at the Opera (House)

2006-11-02T11:19:00.000Z

Last night I went to see this. I'm sure a lot of you have seen it already in London, or even the film version, but we're a bit behind the times here. Anyway, the 4 of us who went all thought it a good production of an excellent play. The staging was snappy, with intercuts of film of school corridors and an eighties soundtrack (baggy trousers, Adam and the Ants etc pretty obvious choices really).

The actors playing the boys were convincing even if their haircuts weren't quite bad enough to be truly 'eighties'.* Steven Moore was paying Hector and he was OK but not quite up to Richard Griffiths' larger than life persona. Isla Blair played the woman teacher which distracted me as I kept thinking of Isla St. Clair? who I think used to present the Generation Game when I was a kid.

One of my companions had a 17 year old son, which I think rather coloured her view of the whole thing. When you have a son studying for his A levels, seeing a pederast in action, is probably not the most soothing of experiences.

As I was doing my own Oxbridge entrance exam at the same time as The History Boys it all rang very true. We were also told that you have to have 'an angle' to convince the dons to let you in. The boys using long words they didn't understand, mispronouncing Nietzsche etc was all very familiar.

The only irritating thing was that where I was sitting I was surrounded by older people who were, perhaps, teachers, they tutted every swear word and laughed too loudly at every literary reference or joke about the 'subjunctive'.

The discussion on the way home revolved around whether Hector was a hero (inspirational, horizon-broadening) or just a dirty, old man. My view, he was both.

What did you all think?

*A typical eighties haircut

It's a moral maze out there.

2006-10-30T17:00:00.002Z

It's a fine line being a modern mother. Mr realdoc and I often argue about the sort of stuff the kids should see, read and listen to. He feels the horrors of the modern world should be kept away from them as long as possible. My default position is to be against censorship but I accept that there are some things which they are not yet emotionally mature enough to cope with.

The kids are 9 and 12 and hide behind the cushions for certain episodes of Doctor Who*. The things that upset them most on telly, are, however, the real life stories. Those films of little African children searching for scraps in fly-infested dumps, you know the sort of thing.

I don't really censor the 12 year-old's reading but try to point her towards things she can understand, so, Jacqueline Wilson, Phillip Pullman, Mallory Blackman...OK, Melvyn Burgess...not quite yet.

We had a friend staying and he said he would be quite happy for his 12 year old to watch films with violent or sexual content as long as it wasn't 'gratuitous'. On closer questioning he meant arthouse movies or those with a liberal or anti-war message. 'Apocalypse Now' and 'Schindler's List' were mentioned. Mmmmm, not sure about that one.

Music is another thing entirely. I find Westlife and their ilk offensive on so many levels but some parents find this sort of thing acceptable.

We do have a bit of a problem with the watershed. It seems as soon as Big Ben has boinged they can show full on penetrative sex, copious swearing and graphic violence. Now I like the odd swear as much as the next fucker, but, they should ease us into it....

9 to 9.30 - 'bloody', 'crap', a bit of snogging and the odd slap
9.30 to 10 - 'shit', 'arse', some semi-clad groping and a bit of a punch up
after 10 - anything goes

So should the 12 year old be allowed to see 'The Catherine Tate Show', ("Everyone in school watches it except me, you boring, old cow."), or not?

*'Are you my mummy?'.......now enough to send them screaming from the room.

Shit day

2006-10-26T21:58:00.000+01:00

It has been a day of downs and further downs. Having failed completely, and rather publicly, to post a link on a comment box. I have also discovered that I have lived in both of the top 2 least desirable places to live in the U.K., here and here.

In fact when, as a student I lived in the worst bit of the worst place to live in the UK.........

Murder Mile, Hackney

I didn't get murdered but a strange man did approach me at a bus stop once and asked for a fag but didn't say please.

In fact when I lived in the worst bit of the worst part of the UK I lived in a house which, as the result of a bizarre building accident*, had no toilet for 2 months. This necessitated frequent visits to the pub and the pinching of catheter bags from work.

I was an object of derision in the neighbourhood for being over 21 and not yet having had a baby but other than that and the perilous state of our plumbing it wasn't a bad place and had the bonus of being on the route of the Number 38 bus, one of the superior bus routes in my opinion.

* The landlord, a mate of mine met a guy in the pub who said he could fix the bathroom cheap. He fixed it but unfortunately after he left the upstairs loo fell through the floor and landed, by coincidence on the downstairs loo, smashing it to bits.

So, how shit was your day?

*UPDATE* All blogger links from here appear to be down I hope that wasn't me.

Mad, middle-aged women on wheels.

2006-10-24T15:10:00.000+01:00

Biggest little realdoc, (she's not little at all any more, she can look me in the eye now and bloody hell, that's disconcerting) has got a pair of these for her birthday. As her feet are now as big as mine I was 'persuaded' to have a go and..............

Let's just say she has probably filmed the whole episode on her phone and posted it on youtube and if I do discover that this is the case, no I bloody well won't give you the link.

* * *

PS Whales' blog is back, hurrah. But he isn't allowing comments, boo. Anyway whales if you're reading this get yourself over to Wyndham's where there is a tricky physics problem that needs your expert input.

'What will become of the myotonic goats?'

2006-10-20T19:33:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking recently of one of my old profs. Professor Pat Merton was a distinguished physiologist and a pioneer of cybernetics. He was also a very funny man. When I arrived at Cambridge Pat Merton was one of those who made the strange new place feel like home.

He had a novel interview technique. One rather pompous and over-confident public school boy was shocked when in his entrance interview for medicine, Prof. Merton, noticing he had mentioned playing the cello on his CV (at the very bottom, he'd had 1 or 2 lessons) passed him a cello and asked for a tune. He did not get in.

Pat had an individual teaching style. In those days a lot of the teaching was carried out in small tutorial groups. I arrived early for one such tutorial and Prof. Merton issued a challenge that we both try to drink as many glasses of sherry as we could during the tutorial without the other students noticing. After surreptitiously finishing off 6 glasses of sherry in under an hour Prof asked me to read out my rather second rate essay. After I had, rather painfully, slurred through it he pronounced it rubbish. 'But I used all of your old papers Prof', I opined. 'I have changed my mind', he said, decisively.
Once I went to him worried that I had not done enough work for the forthcoming exams. 'You are here to be educated, not to pass exams', was his reply.

Always fiercely intellectual and resolutely eccentric, his lectures were a delight. His lecture on the balance organs of the ear involved the use of a live duck. If you got up early enough you could see him running around on the river bank trying to catch one.
His reaction to the news that the Cambridge vet school farm was to close was unique, 'but,what will become of the myotonic goats?'

They don't make them like that anymore.

Lost the knack..

2006-10-19T23:04:00.000+01:00

The drummer from the Knack has died apparently.
'My Sharona', that was one of their songs.

Another in an extremely long line of 'list' posts.

2006-10-17T22:30:00.000+01:00

In our house over the years a number of film and TV quotes seemed to have wormed their way into our everyday speech. We're not quite as bad as those lost souls who recite Monty Python sketches to each other in the pub. No, actually, we're worse than that. We don't have conversations, we have quote-offs. Thus, in our house you may hear the following:

1. When finding something we have lost - 'stop your grinnin' and drop your linen, found them'

2. When anyone sings - 'not raga'

3. When happy -'I'm as happy as a Frenchman whose just invented a pair of self-removing trousers'.

4. When a meal is slow in coming in a restaurant - 'I'm a doctor and I want my sausages.'

5. When going to see my family - 'My mother-in-law's so fat, etc, etc, etc'

6. When we are going out for the evening - 'we're on a mission from God.'

7. When Mr. Realdoc wins at scrabble he will leap to his feet and shout 'and how can this be? For he is the Kwisack Haderach'(sp????).

Obviously we're a very sad household. Are we the only ones? Extra marks if you can identify any of the quotes above.

Crap, intertextual crap, but crap nonetheless

2006-10-17T17:42:00.000+01:00

My head is so full of crap at the moment, eg
Is my blog better than my bosom(s?) or viceversa? (see billy* comments)
Who's biography features a reference to Wyndham? (see Wyndham*)
Why has patroclus morphed into a bunch of scantily clad women? (see patroclus*, it's fixed now boys no links to that sort of thing on my blog, oh no)
Should I have written a diary type thing today for some very important project? (see Mr Swipe*)
How would I address Mr Alan Sugar if I met him?** (see bluecat*)

Are we living in one of millions of parallel universes? If so is there one in which I have a stupendous bosom and a much visited and award-winning blog and feature in a biography and write my diary whilst scantily- clad and carressing Sir Alan? .......No, thought not.

* I'm bloody well linking now, I'm on a linking roll, me.

**This is unlikely unless he got sick, in which case he would probably consult someone much more eminent and expensive than me. I'm free (see Romo* comments), not a quasi-realdoc at all. (see Tim*).

Cultural overload

2006-10-15T12:15:00.000+01:00

I think I am suffering from some sort of cultural overload at the moment. When I was young, back in the days when everyone wore brown and pasta was an unusual ethnic cuisine, it was pretty easy to keep up.
Music - You listened to John Peel under the bedclothes (no duvets then, oh no).
Cinema - All the cinemas in Belfast had been blown up so it was just a case of reading the TV listings in the Christmas Radio Times to see which Bond was on.
Fashion - this was the seventies, there was no fashion just what your mum let you buy from C&A.
Books - You went to the library to see which of the 3 interesting books were available that week.
TV - most homes, mine included had one TV so you watched what your parents watched. Luckily my dad liked Monty Python, unluckily he also liked variety shows featuring old men in jumpers singing.

I don't know when things changed but the amount of stuff a reasonably well -informed person should know about has increased to a degree that is difficult to keep up with without giving up the everyday tasks of earning a living and bringing up your children.
I don't want to give up trying yet. I feel that would be the beginning of a process which would end with me listening to Nana Mouskouri (sp?), reading nothing but the latest biographies and wearing clothes from those old lady catalogues I have started to receive.

So, how can I find a middle ground? Or do I just accept that wisdom is knowing how much you don't know? Help!

Who is your favourite physicist?

2006-10-10T20:33:00.000+01:00

This man is my favourite. Read all about him here.

Tired of London, Tired of Life and all that.

2006-10-09T15:33:00.000+01:00

Anyway, here I am back from my travels. So this is what we did...
We went to Brick Lane for a curry. Bloody hell Brick Lane has changed! Food was good though.

We went back to our old local and met a lot of the old regulars who amazingly have not died in the interim. (If you want to go to a proper old East End boozer with the best landlord and landlady I have ever come across I heartily recommend The Palm Tree in Bow by the way.)

We saw the Leonardo exhibition at the V&A which was interesting, if lacking in exhibits. The Queen seems to own everything on display which tempted Mr. R. to storm the palace in a fit of republican indignation.

We went to the Science Museum (again) and saw the first CT scanner (again) and bought a model aeroplane (again).

We went for tapas in this place which was yummers.

We went to The Borderline to meet the bloggers but were too late and they had all gone. This disappointed me more than it should have, perhaps, but served to remind us both of every student union bar we have ever got drunk in. Don't know if that's a good thing or not.

We went to Spitalfields market which is OK I suppose. Only difference* between it and a car boot sale in Ballykissarse is that the tat on sale has been deemed 'trendy' using a set of rules I no longer understand.

All in all it was a good weekend, however, travelling through the hellhole that is Stanstead airport, brought us back to earth with a bump. (Do you see what I did there?).

Do I miss London? Yes, very much but I realised that the longer you're away from it the more difficult it would be to live there again. This made me sad.

* This is obviously not true as in Ballykissarse, unlike Spitalfields the people are mostly ugly, badly dressed and fat.

Realdocs hit the big city!!!!!

2006-10-04T21:13:00.001+01:00

Anyway, Mr Realdoc has not bought me an ironing board cover as predicted but has stumped up for a weekend in the big smoke. This is good as I will be missing the annual 'team-building' beano at work which apparently requires 'stout walking shoes' and which will no doubt end in tears and recriminations.
So all you hip young gunslingers I need some recommendations for what to do whilst we're there.

Under consideration so far, in no particular order..
1. The Leonardo exhibition at the V&A.
2. A look at the newly restored Hawksmoor church.
3. The Holbein exhibition.
4. Tapas, curry and any number of other types of ethnic cuisine unavailable in the environs of Ballykissarse.
5. Science museum (natch)
6. A raaawwwkkking night out with fellow bloggers. I have to say Mr Realdoc is very anxious about this one as he fears no-one will talk to him. (He also fears me getting rat-arsed and making a tit of myself to be honest. Also he thinks you may all be grooming me.*)
7. Shhhhhhhooooooooppppppppinnnnnggggggg. Hurrah!
8. All manner of unmentionable activity in a luxury hotel (where Madonna had her birthday party apparently).

So my little Docettes** what should we do?

*How do you groom an old bint by the way? Pluck out her grey hairs and trim her gnarled toenails perhaps.

**Docettes sounds very wrong, like some sort of feminine hygiene product.

For M

2006-10-01T14:58:00.000+01:00

So, anyway it's my wedding anniversary this week. 15 years, how did that happen?
My other half is a rather curmudgeonly radiologist who loves wine, physics and books about Nelson's navy. So why have I lasted this long?

1. He makes me laugh. The other day whilst watching telly a video by the Verve came on, 'some people think that Richard Ashcroft's a musical genius, but he's just a surly cunt', he says causing me to give myself a sinus washout with Chilean pinot (not recommended).

2.Watching England win the Ashes made him cry.

3. He gets offended by Dr. Statham off Green Wing on behalf of his profession.

4. He has read 'A Brief History of Time' all the way through and understood it.

5. He is an honourable man.

6. He plays the piano when he is happy.

7. He hasn't a sexist bone in his body.

8. Whenever we go to the Science Museum, which is more often than I would like, he always goes to look at the first CT scanner and always buys a model aeroplane which he flies over the fence the first time he tries it out.

9. Whenever we go to Tate Modern, which is not as often as I would like, he follows me around dutifully and tries to bite his lip but always says, 'this is all bollocks, isn't it?' at some stage.

10. He knows I blog and can't understand why, but has never asked to read it.

So anyway readers what will I get him for an anniversary present? He will, no doubt, get me a new ironing-board cover but we all have our cross to bear.

It's not my fault I'm fat, doctor, it's my heritage.

2006-09-28T14:09:00.000+01:00

Did anyone see David Tennant on that researching your ancestors programme? Being from Northern Ireland I found the whole thing quite moving really. Mr. Tennant was obviously disconcerted by his heritage, the trouble is around here heritage is likely to jump up and bite you on the bum.

In Northern Ireland you have to be one thing or the other, a neutral position is not accepted. Having lived in England for 17 years I found it all very depressing to come back to, the fact that attitudes haven't changed at all. The Good Friday agreement has reduced the violence but hearts and minds have not changed one iota.

Just to give an illustration, there is a big problem with obesity around here, and being Northern Ireland there is a sectarian aspect to this problem. The theory I have heard proposed by a (protestant) consultant physician is that protestants have a race memory that starvation was a catholic problem from the famine days and that therefore being fat just confirms your protestantism to the world. Sort of floored me, that one.

In our house we stick our heads in the sand and avoid the 'little local difficulty' by making sure we studiously avoid local TV, radio and news media. Like many other middle-class people here we have completely disengaged from the political process and left the loonies to run the asylum. Makes me feel guilty that. Anyway I would be interested in your views on this one and I, ahem, refute the charge that the whole post was just an excuse to post a picture of Mr. Tennant, oh no.

PS To the Whales...Whalster, you sounded very down on your last couple of blogs and now you've gone!!!! Hope you're OK. Post and let us know, please.

Too old?

2006-09-25T13:32:00.000+01:00

So, on Saturday night I headed out to a social event organised by the kids' school which featured what is known as a 'Dad band'.
Basically this was a group of dads from the school who had played in bands in their youth and were prepared, for the entertainment of the rest of us, to relive their youth in public.
Most were over-endowed in the belly department and under-endowed in the hair department but the delight on their faces more than made up for those deficiencies.
They were surprisingly good and played a decent set with 'Back in the USSR', 'Werewolves of London' and 'Teenage Kicks' standing out.

So why did the whole thing make me so depressed? Maybe I'm just a miserable sod but the palpable feeling that they were all too old for this now, despite the fact that they all obviously enjoyed themselves, was just too painful. Too many memories, too many regrets, too many opportunities lost.

God, it made me feel so old.
I hate being old.
I bloody,bloody, shitting bloody well hate it.

Which famous person do you look like?

2006-09-21T22:14:00.000+01:00

Well, I told you I was bored. So I went on here and apparently (and amazingly) I look like this person

and this person...

but also (unfortunately and somewhat less amazingly) these people

So there you go, you can now imagine me as a rather bizarre combination of Famke Janssen, Selma Blair, Kevin Smith and Pete Doherty.

***Just for your information I don't have a beard****

Ho hum

2006-09-21T19:20:00.000+01:00

Bored, bored, bored today. Well at least there's a Green Wing book coming out soon.

I may have mentioned before that Mr. Realdoc is a radiologist. He was at a conference recently and was given a little dolls' house CT scanner, so thanks to him and to littlest realdoc (who did the sets) here is Green Wing in Sylvania.

I have also been developing an editorial policy along the lines of the very yummers billy.

Realdoc's editorial policy

1. No real names

2. No real point

3. No reality at all really

4. Shameless plugging encouraged

5. Free medical advice for all those suffering from bizarre and embarrassing conditions

6. Whinging and ranting almost invariable

7.If losing readers post a picture of a sylvanian

8. Absolutely no shame about plagiarising other bloggers good ideas*

9. um

10. is a nice round number

* bugger forgot an apostrophe here it is then ' (Bad grammar gets you into trouble around here you know)

I'm Bob Swipe! No I'm Bob Swipe etc etc ad nauseum

2006-09-19T15:42:00.000+01:00

*See Mr. Swipe's blog for clarification

Well Swipsters Bobcast 3,856,721 is up and features many wonderful works from Twickenham's finest bands and some Roxy Music B sides.
So get over there now and subscribe today and you can have my soothing tones ease you through every minute of your day.
Meanwhile, to my female readers, I definately would! Especially Spins and Heather.
Phoawarrrrr.

Now open your books at page 87 and lets get our heads around Camus shall we.

Bazooka Story? You decide.

2006-09-17T17:44:00.000+01:00

So anyway, a while back I did a post about stories. I have subsequently read some absolute stonkers from Molly and Spinsterella. Here is one of my medical school stories....

Picture the scene:
Histology laboratory 9am, about 50 med students slumped over their microscopes.
The elderly, boring lecturer informs us that this morning we were going to take swabs of the cells in our cheeks, stain the cells with various chemicals to see the cellular components and look at them under the microscope.
So we all got on with rubbing the inside of our mouths with cotton buds staining the cells and examining them. Meanwhile the lecturer drew a representation of what we should be seeing on the board. One girl sticks her hand up, 'sir there's a cell here that doesn't look like that.'
The lecturer strolls over and peers down her microscope....
'That, my dear, is a sperm!'
Cue sympathetic noises from her fellows....
Not sniggering, oh no, I'm mature , me.

This is what she saw......

At last...

2006-09-15T18:54:00.000+01:00

a completely accurate medical show on telly. If anyone saw That Mitchell and Webb Look last night they will have seen a sketch in which someone 'gets a bit poorly as a result of too much electric'.

.....Classic

The schizophrenia inherent in blogging and other unrelated topics

2006-09-14T14:33:00.000+01:00

I was reading a most excellent post from Mr. Swipe which set me musing on the split personalities that result from blogging.

I try to be truthful in my posts but I acknowledge that a certain amount of 'buffing up' goes on. My virtual readers do not get to see me blowing a gasket at work or standing on a table treating everyone (well, no-one actually) to the rude version of 'Yesterday' after a few too many gin and gins. ('Thank the crucified Christ for that!' you all chorus.* )

Which is the 'real' me? Work me? Home me? Realdoc? I suppose all of them if I were truthful. I tend to be quite selective in who I tell about my blog but I have noticed that I tend to tell people who know me very well and who have known me for a long time.

The other funny thing is my mental image of various bloggers based on their cyberspace persona. Mr. Swipe, for example, I picture as an interesting but rather rebellious English teacher. The Mollster I imagine lying on a chaise-longue in a large white room with blowy net curtains. Billy, in my head, is always wearing a linen suit and a boater. (I think it's the 'yummers' that did it).

I will sign off as I have just realised that this post is just incoherent wittering. You can all imagine me pacing around my book-lined study musing on a diagnostic dilemma if you like.

(Slopes off to cook the fish fingers and slump in front of the telly.)

*'chorus'... who am I kidding.

Bloody hell, a medical post.

2006-09-10T13:35:00.000+01:00

For some reason medicine is second only to crime as a setting for TV programmes. There have been hundreds of medical dramas and comedies. Some of these have even been quite good but nearly all have been completely unrealistic.

For some reason the media want to portray doctors a some sort of superheroes, curing the incurable, righting wrongs and spending every waking minute agonising about their patients. This is not only irritating for those of us in the profession but also raises the expectations of the public to a completely unrealistic level. Even Hawkeye , for all his wise-cracking, had the air of the superman about him when it came to his operative skills. Doctors loved Green Wing because the doctors featured were all flawed (some were psychotic) and the action concerned everything but the patients.

'Bugger me, doctors are just like the rest of us.' Well... duh.

At best, doctors can give some sensible health promotion advice, provide a listening ear and may even delay the inevitable slightly but as for curing, that doesn't happen very often. Most disease that we 'cure' would go away its own if we did nothing. Often the 'cure' turns out to be much worse than the disease. Most of the treatments and investigations we foist on an eager public we wouldn't dream of having ourselves.

There are exceptions to this rather cynical rant and I am aware that there may be readers facing illness in themselves and their families who may find all this depressing and upsetting. If this is the case I urge you not to lose your common sense when you interact with doctors. Demand the full facts before embarking on anything. The most important question to ask is 'What would you do if it was you?' *
Most doctors avoid the medical profession like the plague.
If you want to be healthy eat well, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink to excess and have good genes. Above all avoid hospitals. The chance of dying in hospital is 1 in 100 admissions. That's slightly more risky than manned space flight.

There was one medical drama which struck a chord with the profession. Cardiac Arrest by Jed Mercurio (a lapsed doctor) which aired in the mid-nineties and featured the much-admired Helen Baxendale as Dr. Claire Maitland. At the moment over at the online forum Doctors.net (no link, you have to have a GMC number to get on there) they have started a petition to get it released on DVD. The Royal College of Nurses hated it, Virginia Bottomley who was the health minister at the time said it was 'propaganda' running down the NHS. What it did was show a system that turned idealistic youngsters into callous, cynical old trouts like me. I had just escaped after 4 years as a junior hospital doctor at the time and I have to say it often reduced me to tears it was such an accurate portrayal of what I had just survived. So if the petition succeeds I urge you to watch. In the meantime just be aware that Green Wing is a hell of a lot more realistic than Casualty.

* I agonised about this post in case I may upset someone who is ill, let down the profession etc etc but I really feel this is a subject that ought to be debated with a bit more honesty than has previously been the case.

Yours,
a flawed but honest doctor

My strange attraction to a particular sort of facial hair

2006-09-09T10:33:00.000+01:00

I have never been a fan of facial hair on men, but I have recently developed a strange fascination for a particular type of moustache. It is all this man's fault...

At first I thought, ''that man would be quite attractive without that moustache.'

Now I think, 'that man is really very attractive because of his moustache.'

It has to be a very full moustache which curves around the mouth. Here are some other examples.

and even, though I am ashamed to admit it...

I wonder if this is yet another symptom of becoming middle aged, along with having horrible things happen to my feet and talking to myself.

Perhaps I am turning into a gay man at this late stage in the day.

Does anyone else have this problem? Let me know.

Quiz Results

2006-09-07T15:06:00.000+01:00

You all did much better in the quiz than I expected. I thought that post would last me a few more days at least. Anyway the final results were:

1. Tedward's missing ear 12 points
2. Billy 10 points
3. Annie 6 points
3. Anon 6 points
5. Chatterbox 4 points
5. The whales 4 points
7. Vicus scurra 2 points
7. herschelian 2 points
7. ziggi 2 points

However as the winner is actually my sister and has seen my book shelf I feel that Billy should get the prize. Here for you Billy is some soda bread...enjoy.

Oh, Good Grief

2006-09-05T18:22:00.000+01:00

Tea coming out of eyes time again.

A Literary Quiz (well it's about books anyway)

2006-09-04T17:20:00.001+01:00

Several people did a quiz of first lines of random songs taken from their ipods which was good apart from the fact I didn't know any answers cos I'm old and there was a lot of death metal involved.
Anyway, back to the point, I thought I would do a first sentence of books quiz. This may turn out to be virtually impossible as there are a lot of books in the world so I have confined myself to fiction, some classics and some modern but reasonably well known. I need title and author's name, 1 point for each. Winner to get something if I can think of anything.(See my profile for the sort of stuff that may be on my shelves.)

1.On they went, singing 'Eternal Memory', and whenever they stopped, the sound of their feet, the horses and the gusts of wind seemed to carry on their singing.
Dr Zhivago Boris Pasternak Tedward's missing ear
2.Call me Ishmael.
Moby Dick Hermann Melville Billy
3. I am a citizen of the United States of America.
Stupid White Men Michael Moore Vicus Scurra
4. Imagine! November the 15th, 1973.
The Rotter's Club Jonathan Coe Chatterbox
5. London. Michaelmas term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln's Inn Hall.
Bleak House Charles Dickens Tedward's missing ear
6. The summer she was fifteen, Melanie discovered she was made of flesh and blood.
The Magic Toyshop Angela Carter Annie
7. I was twelve tears old the first time I walked on water.
Mr. Vertigo Paul Auster The Whales
8. The education bestowed on Flora Poste by her parents had been expensive, athletic and prolonged;
Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons Annie
9. Early in the morning, late in the century, Cricklewood Broadway.
White Teeth Zadie Smith ziggi
10. When in April the sweet showers fall
And pierce the drought of March to the root
The Canterbury tales Geoffery Chaucer Billy
11. It was a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
1984 George Orwell Billy
12. Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.
100 Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez Billy
13. I believe that what separates humanity from everything else in this world - spaghetti, binder paper, deep-sea creatures, edelweiss and Mount McKinley - is that humanity alone has the capacity at any given moment to committ all possible sins.
Hey Nostradamus Douglas Coupland Anonymous
14. That was when I saw the Pendulum.
Foucault's Pendulum Umberto Eco Tedward's missing ear
15. I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy in an emergency room near Petosky, Michigan, in August of 1974.
Middlesex Jeffrey Eugenides herschelian
16. 'Eh bien, mon prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now no more than private estates of the Bonaparte family.'
War and peace Leo Tolstoy Tedward's missing ear
17. The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation.
The Secret History Donna Tartt Annie
18. The schoolmaster was leaving the village, and everybody seemed sorry.
Jude The Obscure Thomas Hardy Tedward's missing ear
19. I was captured by the Fascist Militia on 13 December 1943
If This is A Man Primo Levi Nobody
20. He was tall, about fifty, with darkly handsome, almost sinister features: a neatly trimmed mustache, hair turning silver at the temples, and eyes so black they were like the tinted windows of a sleek limousine - he could see out, but you couldn't see in.
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil John Berendt Anonymous
21. Though brilliantly sunny, Saturday morning was overcoat weather again, not just topcoat weather, as it had been all week and as everyone had hoped it would stay for the big weekend - the weekend of the Yale game.
Franny and Zooey J.D. Salinger Anonymous
22. In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald Billy
23. When he was nearly thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow.
To Kill A Mocking Bird Harper Lee Tedward's missing ear
24. When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts by sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.
Day of the Triffids John Wyndham Chatterbox
25. There was no hope for him this time: it was the third stroke.
Dubliners James Joyce The Whales
So there you go, enjoy. I'll start to give clues after a bit if no-one gets any answers.

**Update still some to go you're all doing very well.**

Love and truth

2006-09-02T15:59:00.000+01:00

After all the fuss about the Independent saying that female bloggers only ever write about childcare and gynaecology I have been very wary of straying into those subjects on my blog but after reading this beautiful, heartfelt piece of writing I am no longer letting that bloody Dejevesky woman dictate what I should and should not write about. I think I'll give the gynaecology a miss though.

Rock on Mollster!!

It's funny the way the blogosphere restores your faith in human nature. It's truth you see, it always gets you and people seem to be able to be really truthful on here. Strange, when I have had patients who have been prepared to be so truthful with me and it always hits you straight between the eyes. You never forget those people.

One day I was griping and shouting at the kids and realdoc minimus, she was about 4 at the time, just put her arms up and said, 'Love me, mummy'.
How could I not?
I do and I will and I will never forget.

TV is crap and so on.

2006-08-31T17:15:00.000+01:00

The other night I managed to win the evening tussle ,with Mr. Realdoc, over the remote control (termed bosher in our house God knows why).
Instead of a documentary about death, his choice, I selected one of those 50 best... shows, giving Mr. Realdoc the opportunity to shout 'I went to school with him' every time Alan Davies or Hari Kunzru appeared. It's not a bloody life achievement or anything but the fact that he went to school with someone who is a ?'F' list celebrity seems to make him content so who am I to argue.
Anyway these shows are titting irritating aren't they? You say to yourself 'I'll just watch it for 10 minutes'
but then they show the end of Blackadder 4 and you think it might be good
but then they show endless clips of crap like Robin's Nest or Love Thy Neighbour so you think you'll turn over
but then they show the 'I'm a doctor and I want my sausage' clip from Fawlty Towers (a particular favourite of mine) so you stick with it.
After all this you watch to the end even though it goes on until 2 in the morning or something and the No. 1 show is something completely obvious. You own most of the good shows on DVD, anyway, but haven't had them out of the box since you got them for Christmas 5 years ago.
So you go to bed writing a letter to Feedback in your head. (Why oh why are our TVs clogged with this claptrap etc etc etc I'm a doctor and I want my quality programming etc etc etc)

At the end of the day it's nothing but bloody repeats ...harrumph.

Climbs out of Daily Mail reader persona and tries to resume normal life.

The link between The Beatles and the CT scanner is that EMI made so much money out of the Beatles that they gave their engineers loads of money for research and they came up with the CT scanner.
No Beatles, no accurate cross-sectional body imaging. Who says music can't change the world eh.

Does anyone know

2006-08-31T16:20:00.000+01:00

the connection between these loveable moptops

and this hi-tech piece of medical imaging equipment

I'll tell you next post if you don't work it out.

The Big, Big Sea*

2006-08-30T15:20:00.000+01:00

I have often moaned in my posts about living a long way from civilisation but there are sometimes advantages. I happen to live 15 minutes drive from this place...

White Rocks Beach, Portrush

I have to say mostly it is pissing with rain so perhaps this photo is rather flattering however there are days when it is just as beautiful as it appears.

On days like this I dress up in a rubber suit and throw myself in the sea hanging on to a piece of plastic. There is no better cure for feeling low, fed up or angry than being tossed about like a piece of flotsam (or is it jetsam? I can never remember the difference).

I have a dear friend who once gave me a very good piece of advice. She said we should all imagine we have a spiritual box, a physical box and an intellectual box and you've got to put something in each of your boxes every day to have a happy life. For me swimming in the sea takes care of the first two boxes. So if anyone out there is feeling down and you happen to be near the coast I recommend flinging yourself into the big, big sea.**

*The Big Big Sea by Martin Waddell, one of the best children's (picture) books ever written. Worth a read even if you've got no kids.

** If you are planning to swim near here and are not teflon-coated the rubber suit is essential

Aubergines - pah

2006-08-27T12:32:00.000+01:00

I really hate aubergines. I recognise that this dislike is irrational as I don't really mind the taste of aubergines it's just everything else about them...
the way they look like haemorrhoids (large haemorrhoids I concede but haemorrhoids nonetheless)
the way they look so manky when they're cooked
the way they soak up oil so I envisage biting into a sponge full of lard.

I have a friend who is mildly disconcerted by pomegranates, (they don't look inside like what you'd expect apparantly) but most people don't seem to have this problem with everyday things. So if you have any irrational dislikes I would like to know so I don't feel so weird.

Singing in the Rain

2006-08-24T17:06:00.000+01:00

I don't get out much as you may have noticed from the content of this blog but yesterday I got hold of a ticket for a Snow Patrol concert at the last minute and thought what the heck.

I've not been to a gig for a good many years and things have changed. Well the horrible loos and the 20 mile queues for the bar are no different but now they put adverts on the big screen between the bands and that can't be a good thing can it?

Anyway Ed Harcourt was on first and I thought he was great despite the fact that it pissed with rain all through his set and most of the audience were having their tea at the time. The band were really impressive especially the fiddle player with 'Shadowboxing' being a standout for me. I think old Ed won over a fair few people which is much deserved in my opinion.

My 40 year old bladder gave out at this point and I missed Editors (do they have a 'The' by the way?) in the queue for the loo. My glasses were all steamed up so I couldn't see them anyway. I realise this is conjuring up a very attractive picture of an blind, incontinent crone spoiling the young people's fun but bear with me.

Snow Patrol will never be a cool band but they are a band with a bit of heart and that goes a long way. The lead singer has the look of a man who narrowly escaped becoming an accountant and he can't believe his luck. That sort of joy you can't fake.

The band played all their best bits which is what you want at a home-coming and we all sang our hearts out. Communal singing, very good for the soul. Most people around me were smiling and my sis and I decamped to the pub after for a chat about Samuel Beckett and cultural theory (fairly one way conversation that as I had had a few and don't know much about Samuel Beckett or cultural theory). So a great evening was had by all.

ps if I posted on your blog last night sorry.

Ding Dong

2006-08-22T18:29:00.000+01:00

Separated at birth...you decide.

The lovely Stephan Mangan and the lovely Elliott Gould (as he was when I remember him about the time of MASH) or is it the other way round?

Passenger profiling...ooops

2006-08-21T15:03:00.000+01:00

There has been a lot of chat in the media about passenger profiling for air travel. It seems now,that if they don't like the look of you, your fellow passengers can get you ejected forthwith.
Having been born and raised in Northern Ireland I have been subject to this sort of thing in the past.
"Look, there is a pale-skinned freckly type person, let's get her!"
I was once pulled from the line of Belfast passengers in Heathrow and questioned at length. It went something like this.
Some bloke who looked like an extra of the Bill,"What is the purpose of your visit?"
Me,"I'm a student here."
Fat bloke,"Where are you a student?"
Me,proudly(I was only 18)"Cambridge."
Him, not as impressed as he should have been,"Which college?"
Me, "Trinity."
Him,"What street is your college on?"
Me,"Duh, Trinity Street."(see that's where I made my mistake.)
Fat man with ironyectomy, "List all the shops in Trinity Street."
Me, "You're kidding!"
He then went on to question me for at least 40 minutes on Cambridge and its environs and the detailed content of the first year medical syllabus. I was getting rather shirty by the end of all this but quite impressed by the extent of this guy's knowledge of geography and basic biochemistry. Anyway my point is that passenger profiling is an opportunity for fat blokes with irony deficiency to aggravate people for the hell of it.

The other thing is that they may question people who know you about whether you have any past form and I have to confess a guilty secret.
When I was 8 this happened. Feeling inspired I kidnapped my little sister's much loved teddy bear, cut off his ear and left the gory evidence with a ransom note on her bed. Now, this may have demonstrated an early talent for microsurgery but could look bad if I ever have to prove to any fat jobsworths that I am not a potential terrorist with borderline psychopathic personality disorder.
Hey ho holidays in the land of the leprachaun (and perpetual rain and crap food) for me then.

City Bonuses

2006-08-20T12:01:00.000+01:00

Apparantly the estimated levels of bonuses in the City of London this year is set to top £19billion!!!!!!
Think about it. In 2005-06 the entire budget for the NHS was £76.4billion and the NHS is the biggest employer in the Europe.
It's enough to make tea come out of your eyes.